WHY ARE YOU ALL HAVING BABIES??

This post has the potential to offend some people and make me sound really crusty, but I have a bone to pick with you, My Generation.

On any given day, I can log on to Facebook and find someone new who is getting married or having a baby. Then, I yell into the caverns of my empty apartment and flail my arms, running about my kitchen like there’s a hobo spider on my back. Why are you guys all doing this to yourselves?!? Why NOW!?? Sure, purple placenta poppers are great n’all, but last I checked, the people I graduated high school with are all 22 or 23, far too young for this nonsense! So what gives?

You can’t tell me, Generic Millennial, that you weren’t watching the same romantic comedies and TV shows as a kid where the woman could be successful only by forgoing babies and hubbies as long as biologically possible. Monica, Rachel and Phoebe all taught us that if you want that sweet Manhattan apartment and chef job you have to screw up a LOT of relationships. And even the men were the same! “FRIENDS” did not discriminate! Toward the end of the series, we saw weddings and births, yes, but the characters were all in their 30s by then, a reasonable time to start the terrifying part of your life.

Even in school, which I’m pretty sure we all went to, teachers told us that the progressive young women and men of today were waiting longer and longer to get married and have kids. Then they strategically show you that real live birth video — GROSS! SCARY! Who wants to turn inside-out when you could be eating a DiGiorno watching “Rope” not splitting in two? Sweating in my chair/desk combo, I thought to myself, “Yes, Mr. Macedonia, screw these boy losers. Getting married early is for the birds!”

Didn’t you guys do the math? My mom got married when she was 28, and that was in like, 1980-whenever. Adjusting for inflation and seeing the world, I shouldn’t get married until like, 32? Or? At least a while!

Aren’t you guys having fun in your 20s? Don’t you know that kind of ends when you get married? I may have an absurdly high number of divorces in my family, but I think I sustain a very healthy fear of institutional commitment. I may live with my boyfriend, but we still drink Four Loko. It’s great to find someone you really love, but it’s also great to not know what’s coming next. And at night, when he’s talking to me in his sleep, we both agree that getting married this young IS for the birds!

So it boggles me that, anecdotally, I see more and more guys and gals saying, “I do,” and poppin’ out pups. Don’t you guys want to go to Europe or get a little addicted to something? Don’t you want to live in a shitty apartment where you shouldn’t sit down in the bathtub? Don’t you want to do a bunch of weird stuff first so you can get drunk and tell your 14-year-old’s friends about how you ripped a tree out of the ground in a suit?

Babies and vows can wait, but there’s so much life out there that can’t. Plus they’re making birth control free in 2013. Get on that gravy train and out of the swan boat and quit turning Facebook into Old People’s Playland. Gross you guys. Gross.

Gay marriage is cool though, cause, get it while it's hot, ya know?

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “WHY ARE YOU ALL HAVING BABIES??

  1. Oh Brittany, where to start. First, I love you, you are beautiful in every way. It’s sad to see that your life experiences so far have left you with such a negative view. We all have a finite time on this planet and none of us knows what that will be. So to waste any of it not figuring out who and what is important to you and then going after them with gusto, is just that, a colossal waste. One person’s need for certain experiences is another person’s waste of time. One person’s love of family and children is another persons worst nightmare. Learn now to be tolerant and non-judgemental. You and those you love will be much happier no matter what other choices you make for yourself. Many of us take far too long to learn this and some of us never do.

    • Hey Kathy! First, I’m loving the fact that you actually read my blog. Yay! Thank you. Second, I tried to walk the fine line of sarcasm and frankness with this post, and I’m sorry if I did not succeed. Do I think it’s kind of weird that a lot of the people my age are getting married and having kids? Yes, I do. But that mostly has to do with my own insecurities about those things. Do I think those insecurities are a funny source of self-deprecating shame? You bet I do. I would love to be comfortable with the ideas of marriage and kids for myself, but I’m still 16 in my brain. It just baffles me that anyone my age has been able to mature past that and I think they deserve credit for it. The world needs good parents, no matter what age. I don’t want you to think I’m intolerant of other people’s choices, I’m just a little shit with an outlet for words. I felt a little contradictory writing this post because I do look at people’s baby pictures and stuff and grumble, but then say, “Awww, cute,” and I was recently really happy for my two friends, Evan and David, to get engaged. That’s why I put the picture at the bottom, as sort of a nod to contradicting myself. So yeah, for everybody out there, I only kind of hate your choices, but that’s mostly because I could never make them myself. And if those people are happy, then my opinion should matter least of all. Right? (Some day I do hope to have kids, maybe. If I have enough money. The end.)

  2. This is one of my favs, Britt. Jamie talking to you in your sleep, life lessons learned from the messed up “Manhattan role models” on Friends, you and your rad bf drinking Four Lo’s, encouraging people to make bad decisions (drinking, drugs, Euro, etc), your closing line,the gay lovers at the bottom. Really hit the nail on the head for my friends and me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s