This post has the potential to offend some people and make me sound really crusty, but I have a bone to pick with you, My Generation.
On any given day, I can log on to Facebook and find someone new who is getting married or having a baby. Then, I yell into the caverns of my empty apartment and flail my arms, running about my kitchen like there’s a hobo spider on my back. Why are you guys all doing this to yourselves?!? Why NOW!?? Sure, purple placenta poppers are great n’all, but last I checked, the people I graduated high school with are all 22 or 23, far too young for this nonsense! So what gives?
You can’t tell me, Generic Millennial, that you weren’t watching the same romantic comedies and TV shows as a kid where the woman could be successful only by forgoing babies and hubbies as long as biologically possible. Monica, Rachel and Phoebe all taught us that if you want that sweet Manhattan apartment and chef job you have to screw up a LOT of relationships. And even the men were the same! “FRIENDS” did not discriminate! Toward the end of the series, we saw weddings and births, yes, but the characters were all in their 30s by then, a reasonable time to start the terrifying part of your life.
Even in school, which I’m pretty sure we all went to, teachers told us that the progressive young women and men of today were waiting longer and longer to get married and have kids. Then they strategically show you that real live birth video — GROSS! SCARY! Who wants to turn inside-out when you could be eating a DiGiorno watching “Rope” not splitting in two? Sweating in my chair/desk combo, I thought to myself, “Yes, Mr. Macedonia, screw these boy losers. Getting married early is for the birds!”
Didn’t you guys do the math? My mom got married when she was 28, and that was in like, 1980-whenever. Adjusting for inflation and seeing the world, I shouldn’t get married until like, 32? Or? At least a while!
Aren’t you guys having fun in your 20s? Don’t you know that kind of ends when you get married? I may have an absurdly high number of divorces in my family, but I think I sustain a very healthy fear of institutional commitment. I may live with my boyfriend, but we still drink Four Loko. It’s great to find someone you really love, but it’s also great to not know what’s coming next. And at night, when he’s talking to me in his sleep, we both agree that getting married this young IS for the birds!
So it boggles me that, anecdotally, I see more and more guys and gals saying, “I do,” and poppin’ out pups. Don’t you guys want to go to Europe or get a little addicted to something? Don’t you want to live in a shitty apartment where you shouldn’t sit down in the bathtub? Don’t you want to do a bunch of weird stuff first so you can get drunk and tell your 14-year-old’s friends about how you ripped a tree out of the ground in a suit?
Babies and vows can wait, but there’s so much life out there that can’t. Plus they’re making birth control free in 2013. Get on that gravy train and out of the swan boat and quit turning Facebook into Old People’s Playland. Gross you guys. Gross.