Phew! Well not writing for almost ANOTHER month was REALLY tough, and I would have held out until May 19 (a REAL full month from my last post) but I just couldn’t hold my breath anymore. I attribute this to Will Burch, mostly.
I will attribute my lack of a post AGAIN to not having the Internet for quite a while. This is, Loyal Reader, because my dear friend James B. Hale and I moved into a new apartment (and the crowd goes wild). It’s a sweet, old building from the 1920s, the carpet is brown with plenty of traffic wear and tear, a brown panel chair rail in the kitchen and some pine-like wooden towel rack fixtures in the bathroom that are exactly the same as the ones I had in my bathroom growing up. The paint has lead in it, the doors don’t close the whole way and the bathroom spigot regulates temperature in reverse. I can’t tell you how much it reminds me of home. Problem from previous post = SOLVED.
We finally got Internet in the apartment after a little while, and the whole moving process took up some time, so all five of you who have been checking back religiously for a new post can just lump it. (But don’t. Please keep reading. I need you.)
We decided — along with getting the WWW here — that we would not get cable TV. And what is so utterly wonderful about that (in a Diane Rehm kind of way) is that not having cable is the trendiest thing you can do these days. And of course, we should understand, that “not having cable” will mean “not being able to afford cable.” We may substitute any of the subjects of the following paragraphs in that clause, with the understanding that, if we had the money, we would have the cable.
Why is not having cable trendy?
A) Netflix — DUH. Pay $9 a month and get access to all your favorite TV shows and movies after your friends and family have stopped talking about them? Sign me up!
B) HBO GO — Are your parents rich enough to have HBO? Then steal their email address and give yourself HBO GO. Pay no money and have access to cutting edge shows like “The Wire” and “The Sopranos” years after they are relevant? Hand me the pen! Or don’t, because I’d like to piggy-back off of my parents contractual obligations without any actual responsibility for as long as humanly possible.
C) The phrase: “Oh, well, we don’t have TV, so…” It is the most gratifying thing to say. The listener doesn’t know you’re too cheap to ante up for DVR, they just think you spend too much time reading to make “Say Yes To The Dress” a part of your life. Luckily, they cannot see your Netflix queue.
There are a number of other trendy things that being poor allows you to take part in.
- Vegetarianism/Veganism/”Eating Less Meat” = Meat is the most expensive thing in the grocery store. Besides booze. But let’s not be hasty. Not having money and having read “The Omnivore’s Dilemma” makes you one of the coolest culinary hipsters around. “It’s all corn anyway, man,” you glib, crying inside at the smell of your friend’s classic single with cheese.
- Not buying new clothes. Why buy into the corporate machine when someone else already has? Buying someone’s old, ugly used clothes and refashioning them into something that makes other people feel bad about how uncool their own clothes are is the best revenge on your friends that make more money than you.
- Anti-Smart Phone Smart Ass-ness:
“Oh? You have an iPhone? You pay $40 a month for your data plan? Do you KNOW how many children you could feed for $40 a month??”
“Can I play Angry Birds on your iPad?”
(This last one is really just a joke. All hipsters have iPhones. Only real poor people still have LG Chocolates.)
So now you have it. Being poor makes you awesome. Now everybody go out and start working for non-profits and TV stations so the cost of iPhones eventually goes down and I can finally get one.
Also, here’s a picture I sent to my mom for Mother’s Day as a part of a photo tour of the new apartment. It includes the aforementioned bathroom fixtures. Amen.