I woke up this morning with a ton of energy, which was weird because by the end of last night I thought I was going to combust. That was soon overshadowed by hunger, coupled with nausea. They tell you, with this diet, that you can eat as much of the cabbage soup as you want. What they don’t tell you is that by the second day in, the very thought of cabbage soup (or the chunks of vegetables in it) will make you want to call your Uncle Ralph on your giant porcelain phone. “Surely,” I thought “I won’t make it.”
BUT I WAS WRONG. I made it. It was just awful.
Driving home tonight, I was listening to some sweet jams on NPR, thinking about what I was going to eat when I got home. Vegetables, vegetables and more vegetables — and then the nausea returned. I pulled up to my house, idled for a second and then pulled away. Surely, this would be better than the damp spinach in my refrigerator.
I drove to the end of one seemingly long road, hit a sharp curve and kept driving. In about a half mile or so, the same thing happened again, and then, without warning, I was back on the main stretch of road that leads back to my house. I thought about driving somewhere else, trying to get lost, and realized that all the other times I’ve done that, I’ve had the same experience. No matter where you go in this town, you will invariably end up in some recognizable location within a matter of minutes.
It was then I realized I’m living in “The Truman Show.” And that all I’m really doing is an advertisement for this diet. And the only thing that can save me is making some slap-dash guacamole and eating it with a fork.
OH. AND THE MOST IMPORTANT PART.
I’m not releasing my weight with this little experiment, because — sorry Tyra Banks — I’m not that secure. But I WILL tell you that when I stepped on the scale this morning, I think I lost two pounds. And then I stepped on it again, and I may have gained five. So: tomato tomato. But we’ll chalk this up to a:
NET LOSS = -2
May this awful week pass in vain.
Tomorrow? Fruit and veggies combined.