Twenny-Leven: The Year We Finally Lose the WEIGHT

Welcome to 2011. The year after 2010. The year whose first two numbers are so less evenly divisible by its final two.

Hopefully you’ve all written down your New Year’s resolutions and studiously taken note of every obvious suggestion that you should set reasonable, attainable goals for yourself in order to reach the promised land of self-fulfillment this year.

Well I’m here, Loyal Reader, to be the first to say that I have set a completely UNREALISTIC goal for myself, and I am about to carry it out over the next week.

Quick Sidebar: Quick Question: What’s everybody’s No. 1 New Year’s rez?
Quick Answer: TO LOSE WEIGHT.

In that cholesterol clogged vein, I am taking up the charge of weight loss in the most unreliable fashion possible: the crash diet. “Why?” isn’t really important at this point, as you should all now see what’s coming next and be all the more excited for it.

I’ve picked my poison: the General Motors Diet. And as you can see from that obviously reliable and spell-checked website, this is a sure-fire plan — one I will be BLOGGING ABOUT over the next week (this is the part you were excited about, right??). So be sure to tune in for daily updates of how angry hungry happy I am (and secondarily, whether or not I actually lose any weight).

Possible highlights to include:

  • Delusional ramblings
  • Recorded hunger pangs
  • Reenacted Skype freakouts on Jamie
  • Cannibalism AND SO MANY MORE!!

So pop open a bag of Cheetos, throw on your favorite camo Snuggie (You: “B, that is SO 2009.” Me: “BACK OFF I’M STARVING.”) and watch as I slowly disintegrate into a pile of skin and bones only to yo-yo to a new scale-tipping poundage. Add any forebodings/”Don’t do it!”s to the comment section (really just a ploy to get more comments).

See you tomorrow for DAY ONE: ONLY FRUITS.

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2 thoughts on “Twenny-Leven: The Year We Finally Lose the WEIGHT

  1. Who wouldn’t be confident in a diet created by employees of General Motors and endorsed by the one and only B.H. Jajoo?? I’m sitting at the edge of my couch waiting for all the Skype conversations that definitely DON’T begin with “WHAT AM I DOING?” and end with “PLEASE KILL ME NOW.”

    And camo Snuggies were SO 2008, just btw.

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