List of Things I Would Do If I Worked In the Newsroom

  1. Bring in baked goods more than once.
  2. Give people nicknames. (Nickname ideas: The Comeback Queen, Mr. Man, Webster, The Deuce)
  3. Plan Secret Silly Hat Week. Every day during the morning meeting, I’d wear a different silly hat, but not tell anybody. And when somebody said, “Hey, have you been wearing a different silly hat all week?” I’d take the beer-can-hat straw outta my mouth and say, “Huh?” (Silly hat ideas: beer-can-hat, hot dog hat, rally cap, space-person helmet)
  4. Occasionally skip down corridors.
  5. Initiate spontaneous high fives.
  6. Eavesdrop.
  7. Indulge in musings.
  8. Pop up from behind the partitions to scare the Bejeezus outta you.
  9. Give coworkers a hard time.
  10. Eventually isolate single coworker who responds most weakly to being given a hard time in order to build his/her sass quotient (SQ). It’ll seem mean at first, but over time it’s definitely going to pay off. People will see that later.
  11. Distribute random knick-knacks and send notes via paper airplane.
  12. Burn somebody a CD.
  13. Complain about office equipment. Be generally passive-aggressive about actual concerns. This is something I already do, but who’s to say it couldn’t carry over? I make the rules around here, chump.
  14. Keep a Tide pen around. Two summers ago in New York, I spilled like, a quarter of an iced coffee all over a white shirt just before work. I managed to get it all out with just a Tide pen. Tonight, I was eating a chocolate covered pretzel, and got some chocolate stains on my white shirt cuffs. I really wish I had been in the newsroom with that Tide pen.

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[To recap: I work in a bureau. It’s a “satellite” station of the main newsroom, wherein three 20-something reporters and two middle-aged sales people with barely overlapping schedules converge. The newsroom is the main hub where tons of people work and magic things happen all the time. Except Secret Silly Hat Week, uncreative hacks.]

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